Condemned

AIESEC AGM... As I watched the video about the sweet memories, achievements, and the messages of how much the previous Executive Board appreciate each other... I know that I've got to get out of there...

As a sleeping member of every club I go to, I kind of regretted about my decision to lay low, what have I been doing all this time? I know I have the abilities, the knowledge, the drive to exceed and excel in all this club activities and one day I might be at the top... But instead I chose to be secluded... To hide away... Why?

Yes I've been there, done that, but so far I have always felt that I've been played like a fool... Doing things by myself, taking up responsibility all by myself, getting one of the top posts just because I'm in good terms with the higher ups... But I've lost out what I've always been looking for... Appreciation... Do others look up to me? Or do they talk behind my back? Do they despise me?

As I walk back to my hostel, I felt cold, even while the sun is scorching... I felt alone... So alone... Why am I like this? I wanted to be pitied but I refused any help, I wanted to be cared for but I shove people aside, I wanted to achieve more and yet I back down in the wrong time... Am I condemned to be like this for the rest of my life?

I was arrogant, I thought nobody could possibly be better than me... Yes, that's how I felt, I despised people, criticize them, telling myself that I would be wasting my breath beating those fools to get to the top... People don't know that, but deep down... I'm an egoistic bastard... In the end I payed the price... I end up doing work on my own because I don't trust people to do my work and thought they could never have done a better job than me... I end up frustrated, weary, alone....

Heh, now I know why I don't deserve pity or care...

Like a thunderbolt!

There are times when I wanna burst, times when I wanna shout out to the sky, times when I wanna be alone, times when I wanna be hated and not bothered...

It's been like this since the beggining of the year, very emo indeed, without any reason whatsoever, or maybe I'm just hiding the real reason to avoid any nasty comments.

Nowadays though, I'm smiling, smiling in my heart which I thought was long dead and cold... I feel like I'm back to my old self again! The nerd, that cheerful, down-to-earth fellow... It was like back in those days when I was so innocent, so young, and so naive... For the first time in years, I'm able to smile while sleeping...

It happens so fast, like a flash of light, a thunderbolt struck me and gave me new found confidence, man I think I can take over the world now haha! It feels great indeed!

Personality

Hmm... Stumbled upon a friend's blog about a personality quiz... Said it was pretty accurate so I tried it myself. This is the result:

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with? (*Ok, I'm not that sure about this here...*)

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Whether if it's accurate or not I don't know, but there are some points which are true. So am I such a person? You be the judge.

Redemption

A friend keeps on telling me that our semester is about to finish soon... And I told her "you realize that now?"

Heh... To be perfectly honest, I can't believe it either. It never fails to surprise me, even till this day. When I think back about the good old days, it feels as though it happened yesterday. Almost every detail, every moment, and every face is fresh on my mind.

Nowadays I feel as though I'm back to my old self, that insecure, defensive, sensitive, emotional kid back then. I guess I really didn't change much, except maybe physically (I've gained weight and lost some lol) or maybe learning a few new skills.

And somehow the past has a way of creeping up to all of us. History repeating itself. It's happening to me in a way I can't describe. Maybe I'm thinking too much but life's full of cycles, what goes around, comes around, it's how we perceive it that matters.

In my case though, it's like I'm repeating an exam I failed last time, a chance to redeem myself. Like my piano lessons when I was a kid, I gave up just because I didn't like the teacher, I regretted for not continuing my lessons since I love music so much. Now I'm redeeming myself, in a way with my guitar. Progress is so far so good and I love playing it!

Now it's about time I once again redeem myself with another case...

Beyond the Horizon

Came back from UUM for a break and some quality time with the family. Man, home never tasted so sweet before... And to top it off we went for another holiday to the east coast for a night. I have always loved the east coast, now with the new highway and all it's even better because it only takes 2 hours to get there from KL. Sweet!

One of the reasons why I love the east coast is because of one of its delicacies, kerepok lekor. And trust me it's the real thing here. Fresh fish mixed with sago pounded into finger food goodness, it really made my day.

Secondly is of course the sunny atmosphere and the beaches, but unfortunately the beach in the hotel we were staying wasn't that clean. A real shame.

It's a great opportunity for me to lighten up, think positive, forget about the bad things that have been happening recently or in the past. But the matter of fact is this, the trip didn't help. I couldn't sleep that night, woke up after having endless nightmares, my nose was runny and my elder brother was snoring so loud as if he was snoring with amps.

So I lay on the bed, going back to my bad habit of thinking too much or thinking about a certain someone, asking myself why is this and that happening, why can't I get certain things off my mind, what should I do? I tossed and turned, trying to find the best position to sleep, didn't help. And this went on for around 4-5 hours, my phone alarm went off... 6 am...

Since it's the east coast, the sun rise should be one hell of a spectacle, so I decided to get out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my face, grab the camera and go to the beach. 6.15 am... Bloody hell, the resort was pitch black with only a few lights... Luckily my field of vision wasn't as bad as I thought as I made my way to the beach effortlessly.

As I looked into the horizon, felt the breeze, I tried to relax my mind, tried to stop thinking about nonsense, tried not to think about "someone"...

Then I wrote a name on the sand, waiting for the waves to wash away the word, hoping that I could forget about that "someone" like what the waves did to the sand.

My gosh, as I looked into the horizon, wondering what's beyond it, I could never imagine how beautiful the sun really is as it emerged from its slumber.
My mom said I looked very lonely in this pic, I guess I am...

Looking Foward

I have to admit... I've been in a emotional slump for a few weeks although I'm not supposed to but we can't really help it now can we?

Nowadays things are looking better, I'm going home this Thursday and I hope that when I go back to UUM after this break, I'll be able to see things in a different light.