开不了口

It's been a long while since I've heard this song by Jay Chou. Heck it's been a long while since I've heard any Chinese Songs. But now I'm getting addicted to it all over again, listening to it over and over again, I don't think I'll ever get tired of this song...

The first time I heard it was when I was in Form 1, this song was huge back in the day, I didn't understand the lyrics because of the way Jay sings, but I love it's melodies and that epic feel the song brings with the sound of a space ship wooshing away...

Really brings back a lot of memories, a lot of emo memories to be exact. I can picture myself right now when I was in my teens, that little kid with the specs, staring at the window in the bus humming this very tune without even knowing what it means but the song somehow brings out a feeling of loneliness in that very kid, and strangely, a lot of sadness.

Later when I knew the title of the song and what the lyrics meant, it felt as if the lyrics were telling my story, (heck I'm sure a lot of people would say that because they are big Jay fans but I'm serious about this...) this song represented me in a lot of ways, about not being able to tell what and how you really feel, keeping it inside, and helplessly looking and observing the things you love. Ever since then I've been memorizing every word, every melody, every pitch of this song, heh I even did that when I'm asleep those days, listening to this song and muttering the words at the same time, including the other songs from the Fantasy album. Ha ha!

Man was I emo back then, even now, but this who I am really, accept it.

Sleepless

I'm having one of those sleepless nights again, and as usual, a lot has been going on in my mind.

This time though I was not thinking about anything emo, but about what songs to pick in an upcoming singing competition that I want to participate in.

I know so many songs, so many genres, and multiple languages but I want to pick songs that justify and define who I am. Now this is going to be real hard, hence the insomnia tonight. I'm being real picky again, choosing one after another, having second thoughts, so I couldn't really decide. And then suddenly I have doubts about my voice and all, I mean can I really sing? Can I really show character in my voice? Be a showman?

Man I ain't no Freddie Mercury nor can I sing like Van Morrison, some people in the past said that I have potential, but I'm not convinced. And then there's the problem of whether people have heard the song or not. I was about to choose "Jealous Guy" by John Lennon, simple, meaningful, overall great song, but have the guys and gals in UUM heard it before? Then I thought of choosing a Chinese song but I want to be different, I don't want to be "just another Chinese dude singing a Chinese song"! And yes, the mainstream songs, the ones you've heard on top ten charts in MTV or local radio stations, ah man I don't want to sound "commercial", I refuse to be like a "product" made out of Simon Cowell's "factory".

Yup I know I know, I think too much, I'm being a bad sport, and I'm being picky. So in the end I told myself that actually the song doesn't matter, it's the voice that counts, developing your own style, because seriously, I don't want to sound "karaoke" either ha ha...

The next thing I'm worried about is where to train, I mean, I'm pretty shy about singing when people are around, except when they asked for it, which makes my voice pretty inconsistent. In karaoke joints well, the music is so loud and other friends would fight for the mic just to have a piece so you usually go full blast and can't hear your pitch and notes well.

The only place I can sing comfortably is in my car while I'm driving alone ha ha! Darn...

Arrgh, now I'm thinking of forgetting this silly attempt, why the hassle? Ha ha... As if people are really going to admire my voice, and competition is probably fierce.

Struggling

Well not really struggling, I mean assignments don't really bother me much, because I know I can get it done on time, classes have been alright so far. So why the title?

Struggling to write this new post I guess, struggling to share my thoughts, I know myself as a guy who simply says things without thinking ahead, and at first, I was not really bothered about what I said but after a while it happens, the embarrassment, the guilt, the second thoughts.

Funny though, as I've been known as a guy who plans every single thing in life but somehow not the words that will come out of my mouth. Well this usually happens when emotions take control of me, especially my mood.

My parents would always and always remind me not to be so emotional but being the stubborn person I am, I did not take heed and would do the usual teenage response: "yeah yeah, I know."

I don't like being told about what I already know, but then again what do I really know about controlling my emotions? I'm fine most of the time but sometimes when that surge of loneliness, sadness, anger, and frustration hits you hard... Darn...

I know what I have to do, but I'm struggling to find out how...

Back

Yup I'm back in UUM and it feels as though I have a lot to catch up with, assignments mostly. It's been a while since I deliberately skip classes just like that because I feel like it.

It's funny though, in my 1st ever semester in UUM, I had a lot enthusiasm and was filled with a lot excitement, I remember being envious about my elder bro going into university and finally it was my turn! In my 2nd year, 3rd semester though, things become more and more... Ummm... What's the word? Oh darn, my English is getting poorer! Let me think hmmmm.... Rigorous? Nope... Usual? Nope... Arrgh... Never mind, I think you'd know what I mean.

Now I'm in my 5th semester, and you know what? I can't wait to get the hell out of here!!