There are so many things I keep inside that I almost forgot what it feels like to let it all out. Even when people are not listening.

I can't stop thinking about her, it's been going on for months, giving me sleepless nights and emotional outbursts...

Why not get it over with? Heh... Yeah why not? What's pulling me back? What's stopping me from taking the next step? Fear?

Fear is definitely involved in this matter, but what is it I really fear I do not know.

But yet I feel the need to be there for her when she really needs it. And every time when I'm unable to do it I feel helpless, useless, down....

I'm not sure if I'm the one she needs right now, so far I haven't had any clues or hints or perhaps I'm too blunt to see it, too oblivious... I'm not sure...

I could have ignored this, could have met someone else, could have had my share of fun but in the end... I'll end up going through this all over again... This is who I am really, a part of me that cannot change...

Helpless

Ever felt that you're powerless? Ever felt like helping someone, but the best way to help is to leave them alone?

I felt helpless and yes, useless. The only thing I can do right now is wait and hope.

I really have no idea what to write, but I felt like writing... Sometimes I really do want to write about what I'm thinking of at the moment, my imagination, my fears, my dreams, my hopes, what my future beholds... But this IS a blog and people are going to read it, so I have to be careful.

All along, I've always thought that I'm helping people, but the truth is, I'm trying to please people, so that they do not hate me, condemned me. As life goes on, you learn the hard way that you can't please anyone, and pleasing people all the time won't get you anywhere. What's the point in doing something silly like that and get betrayed in the end? You get fooled, you get played like a ragged doll, you get laughed at, and worst, no appreciation whatsoever. Appreciation? Heh, how naive...

I have to admit, I longed for another relationship, to hold her hand, gaze into her eyes, talk about stuff which makes no sense but makes you laugh, talk about what's in our hearts, listening to her and her listening to me only to end with a hug or her head on my shoulder, and possibly a kiss, over a sunset in the beach, or even in a cozy room. You know, to feel good with someone without any reason at all, is there really such a thing?

I believe that ACCEPTANCE plays a big part in lasting relationships and love. Why would I say that? Maybe all this time, I'm looking for acceptance in the end, I mean if you have to change yourself to make people like you, then that means they didn't like you for who you are in the first place! Sometimes I would think that "I can accept almost anybody for who they are, why can't they accept me?" but in the end I realize I was being a hypocrite. The truth is I can tolerate a lot of people instead of accepting them because no matter what there will always be contradictions in beliefs. So acceptance is not that easy.

Saw my niece for the very first time, a real active baby, kicking, smiling, and rolling around in her baby cot with enthusiasm. And then I saw the baby's father, my cousin, how happy he is, even when he and her wife are struggling to make ends meet in their business or even buying baby milk powder! I wonder how does it feel to be a father, how does it feel to see your child brought to this world. A smile is present in my face whenever I have such thoughts, but I would always be wary not to be naive, as bringing up a child takes a lot of your time and energy. The responsibility and dedication it takes in raising a child is overwhelming, so I better work harder and hopefully make the right choices to create a better environment for my children.

Say what you want, you may think it's silly and all that, but this is what I'm really thinking and how I feel about things.

Recently

It's been a while since I last posted anything, it's great to be at home but the bad thing about being at home is that I become very lazy. I wake up at around 12 noon almost every day, then cook for lunch, eat, watch some TV, go online, play games, guitar, lie down on bed, and I swear that I can see mushrooms sprouting out of my arms and legs!

Well of course it's not like this everyday, I did go to Redang for a real swell vacation but then I don't think there's much to talk about it, it's a beach anyway, I don't need to go through the details on what I did in a beach right? It is a paradise, but too commercial, which spoils it to certain extent. (Hmmm... I did fly for the very first time though...)

It's really funny though, when you're in Uni you think about home sometimes, but when you're home you kind of miss Uni. Ok maybe not the food in Uni, it's not that bad but it's a matter of variety you know? Imagine almost everyday I have to eat Pak Lang Nasi Ayam for lunch! Oh sh**!

Dyed my hair today, been wanting to ever since I finished form 6. Now that I've done it, I feel, well, a little strange everytime I look at a mirror but other than that it feels just the same. New look doesn't neccessary mean new me I guess, but it's good to have a few changes and experiencing new firsts. Wow talk about firsts this year, I did quite a number actually.

Dyed my hair for the first time.
First trip to Redang.
Clubbing.
Bought and learn to play guitar.
Board an airplane.
First snorkeling trip.
Composed first song.
Finished Baldur's Gate 2 for the very first time in 7 years!! ArrGH!
Soon probably, my first gig.

And well probably a lot more coming soon, life can be very exciting, because you'll never know what will happen in the future.