Umm....

Darn I'm running out of ideas of what to write... Well been busy lately... But the fun kind ya know? Was in the process of finishing the Japanese Language Video Presentation and I got to say, it's full of nonsense and is one of the funniest videos I've ever made...

First the presentation seems "formal" enough... But later you'll see the nonsense flowing in... It's not done yet though... Hopefully it will be completed by tonight, because, well, have to pass up to the lecturer tomorrow...

Hmm... What else... Oh yeah... Ever heard of e-jamming? Ha ha it's something me and Nick came up with... He plays bass and I play acoustic guitar... I play one part, send it to him as a sound clip then he tries to play his part and combine both of them into a single sound clip... Trust me... It's not easy, because you need to time it right... I mean pressing the "start record" button and then play your instrument isn't the slightest bit easy, sometimes you screw it up even and will have to start all over again...

And well what can I say about the result? Let's just say "thanks for the effort..."

A Seriously Long Time

It's been a seriously long, long time since I've updated my blog... There was even a time I forgot that I had a blog!

This semester is coming to an end... I got another 3 final projects to finish... Haha managable because they are not that hard anyway... Things happened... The bad, the good, and the ugly...

But hey, enough of my personal, trivial problems... Not a big deal anyway... Time to finish this week with a blast!!!

A Long Time

Yup... A long time indeed since I've posted anything these days... Truth is so many things are going on in my mind again, it's like a roller coaster in there, highs and lows, swaying left and right...

Heck I even forgot that I have assignments to finish this week and an exam that I have to prepare for this Friday. Well nothing I can't handle... No wait... There ARE things that we can't handle, things that aren't within reach... Assignments, exams, work, these things don't affect me much since I'm confident enough to finish them in time and well... Yeah I'm kind of proud when it comes to these tasks and yes I brag about it sometimes (don't misunderstand, I'm talking about finishing within the time limit without any hassle, not getting As for all my assignments) but there are things we don't brag about, things we hope people won't notice, things that make you feel like a loser, things that make you wish you were better at.

Not everyone is perfect, there are no absolute zeros and ones in this world, something I've learned from statistics, something I've come to accept.

A friend of mine introduced this sitcom to me, "How I Met Your Mother" and I have to say it is pretty darn good. The story is pretty realistic and has a lot of meaning especially about life. But eerily I see myself in the main character, Ted, single, irrationally picky, over-thinking things a lot, impulsive, well except for the charm cause I'm not sure if I have one...

It's been a while since someone cried in front of me... I couldn't do anything to make it better... If it was a friend I would just give an advice, say take care, be strong and then bye bye but this time... Darn... What the hell was I thinking? I couldn't react, couldn't think of anything appropriate to say, I smiled, I was a fool...

And damn it... I didn't want that moment to end there... I don't know why... Damn it...

开不了口

It's been a long while since I've heard this song by Jay Chou. Heck it's been a long while since I've heard any Chinese Songs. But now I'm getting addicted to it all over again, listening to it over and over again, I don't think I'll ever get tired of this song...

The first time I heard it was when I was in Form 1, this song was huge back in the day, I didn't understand the lyrics because of the way Jay sings, but I love it's melodies and that epic feel the song brings with the sound of a space ship wooshing away...

Really brings back a lot of memories, a lot of emo memories to be exact. I can picture myself right now when I was in my teens, that little kid with the specs, staring at the window in the bus humming this very tune without even knowing what it means but the song somehow brings out a feeling of loneliness in that very kid, and strangely, a lot of sadness.

Later when I knew the title of the song and what the lyrics meant, it felt as if the lyrics were telling my story, (heck I'm sure a lot of people would say that because they are big Jay fans but I'm serious about this...) this song represented me in a lot of ways, about not being able to tell what and how you really feel, keeping it inside, and helplessly looking and observing the things you love. Ever since then I've been memorizing every word, every melody, every pitch of this song, heh I even did that when I'm asleep those days, listening to this song and muttering the words at the same time, including the other songs from the Fantasy album. Ha ha!

Man was I emo back then, even now, but this who I am really, accept it.

Sleepless

I'm having one of those sleepless nights again, and as usual, a lot has been going on in my mind.

This time though I was not thinking about anything emo, but about what songs to pick in an upcoming singing competition that I want to participate in.

I know so many songs, so many genres, and multiple languages but I want to pick songs that justify and define who I am. Now this is going to be real hard, hence the insomnia tonight. I'm being real picky again, choosing one after another, having second thoughts, so I couldn't really decide. And then suddenly I have doubts about my voice and all, I mean can I really sing? Can I really show character in my voice? Be a showman?

Man I ain't no Freddie Mercury nor can I sing like Van Morrison, some people in the past said that I have potential, but I'm not convinced. And then there's the problem of whether people have heard the song or not. I was about to choose "Jealous Guy" by John Lennon, simple, meaningful, overall great song, but have the guys and gals in UUM heard it before? Then I thought of choosing a Chinese song but I want to be different, I don't want to be "just another Chinese dude singing a Chinese song"! And yes, the mainstream songs, the ones you've heard on top ten charts in MTV or local radio stations, ah man I don't want to sound "commercial", I refuse to be like a "product" made out of Simon Cowell's "factory".

Yup I know I know, I think too much, I'm being a bad sport, and I'm being picky. So in the end I told myself that actually the song doesn't matter, it's the voice that counts, developing your own style, because seriously, I don't want to sound "karaoke" either ha ha...

The next thing I'm worried about is where to train, I mean, I'm pretty shy about singing when people are around, except when they asked for it, which makes my voice pretty inconsistent. In karaoke joints well, the music is so loud and other friends would fight for the mic just to have a piece so you usually go full blast and can't hear your pitch and notes well.

The only place I can sing comfortably is in my car while I'm driving alone ha ha! Darn...

Arrgh, now I'm thinking of forgetting this silly attempt, why the hassle? Ha ha... As if people are really going to admire my voice, and competition is probably fierce.

Struggling

Well not really struggling, I mean assignments don't really bother me much, because I know I can get it done on time, classes have been alright so far. So why the title?

Struggling to write this new post I guess, struggling to share my thoughts, I know myself as a guy who simply says things without thinking ahead, and at first, I was not really bothered about what I said but after a while it happens, the embarrassment, the guilt, the second thoughts.

Funny though, as I've been known as a guy who plans every single thing in life but somehow not the words that will come out of my mouth. Well this usually happens when emotions take control of me, especially my mood.

My parents would always and always remind me not to be so emotional but being the stubborn person I am, I did not take heed and would do the usual teenage response: "yeah yeah, I know."

I don't like being told about what I already know, but then again what do I really know about controlling my emotions? I'm fine most of the time but sometimes when that surge of loneliness, sadness, anger, and frustration hits you hard... Darn...

I know what I have to do, but I'm struggling to find out how...

Back

Yup I'm back in UUM and it feels as though I have a lot to catch up with, assignments mostly. It's been a while since I deliberately skip classes just like that because I feel like it.

It's funny though, in my 1st ever semester in UUM, I had a lot enthusiasm and was filled with a lot excitement, I remember being envious about my elder bro going into university and finally it was my turn! In my 2nd year, 3rd semester though, things become more and more... Ummm... What's the word? Oh darn, my English is getting poorer! Let me think hmmmm.... Rigorous? Nope... Usual? Nope... Arrgh... Never mind, I think you'd know what I mean.

Now I'm in my 5th semester, and you know what? I can't wait to get the hell out of here!!

You

The world feels so cold today,
And the harshness it brings,
Like an arrow,
Pierced through my heart.

Then the next day,
There's summers day,
Bringing a warmth,
I thought I never knew.

Trying to get to you,
But I'm held back,
By a force,
I could never overcome.

I could find another,
To replace you,
Yet my heart yearns,
This silly heart of mine.

And then this time,
I'm,
Losing my mind,
Just for you.

So be it,
I'll,
Be all alone,
Just for you.

It doesn't matter even,
If there's no sun,
If there's no wind,
If there's no water,
But not you...

(Lyrics of a song that have suddenly popped in my head, Heheh)

Bloody Hell

Yup I am back home but seriously I'm filled with mixed emotions here, of course I'm happy to be back but I'm also pissed because my plans for the week have been ruined (I hate it when my plans get disrupted suddenly grrrrr). Well anyway no point complaining now, I'm here right now so I have to make up for lost time, maybe see a friend or two.... Wait a minute they're in University right now, and one of my best mates who came all the way from Australia went to Jakarta yesterday... Great timing...... =.=

Oh well it could have been worse, and then again it's pretty darn funny seeing all the other students running for their lives on Sunday, it feels as though the apocalypse has arrived, darn if I had my camcorder.....

I wouldn't like to say anything bad but man last Sunday the ones who were running around like headless chickens were... Chinese? Darn put yourself together man! It's not like were gonna die if we don't go back and even if they really close down the place and would not let us out, so what!? Ok I can understand if the girls get a little panicky but the guys, darn I slap my forehead everytime I see a guy panic...

And then the rumors about the whole University getting quarantined after 8pm, Sunday, I would certainly like to bash the @#%#@#$! that made that statement. It's ridiculous! If they want us to get the hell out of there why give us a time limit? 20,000 students and you expect them to go back in 2 hours time? Appalling...

I would like to applaud the Malays though, their laid back attitude worked out just fine that time, and as I would like to say... Rilek la!

Honesty

This bad habit of mine can really drive oneself crazy. I had one of those sleeples nights again yesterday. Each thought coming in through waves and waves until I could drown. Thinking too much again? Yeah.

I think my biggest problem is, I spent too much time thinking what might have been, what would happen next, what should I do, instead of being honest with myself, asking myself, what do I really want?

Nowadays there is an issue which I'm not sure about now, it's hard to explain... It's like you were very positive about something before and now you're not really sure about it. And the other problem is that I still kept going, without even knowing what my purpose is, am I being stubborn? Am I following my heart? Is this the right choice?

Sometimes I do really hope that someone could guide me or tell me what to do...

But in this cold, cruel world, you're really on your own buddy...

Mind and Heart

A clash of thoughts and emotions. Do you follow your heart or your mind? Sensibility or feelings? Of course it depends on the situation at hand but there comes a time when you will face something that could make you confused.

Am I using my mind? To seek out the logic behind the problem, to solve with reason and sense. Or am I using my heart? Sailing as the wind takes me? Following what I feel is best?

Sometimes I don't even know which is which but in the end what matters most to me is that it gets the job done. Not this time though.

Facilitators

Man... These 2 weeks has been one of the most hectic, painful, enjoyable, and fulfilling experience I've ever had in life up to this point. All the blood, sweat and tears I have given up during the orientation was not in vain at the very least.

I've seen many acts of courage, responsibilty, sense of duty, efficiency, toughness, and sacrifice in these 2 weeks, from people whom I've worked with as fellow facilitators, whom I have the honor to call friends, united regardless of color, gender, age, culture, and race to fulfill our duties as facilitators, to take care of the freshmen, to guide and direct them to the right path. They will remain in my heart and in my memories forever. Any facilitator that has worked with me have all been fantastic, and the best thing is, we went through it together even though if it's brief. Most probably, we will not be seeing each other again that often anymore after the orientation but I'll be sure to at least give out a friendly smile, a wave, or maybe we could catch up for lunch!

In these 2 weeks, I've experience true companionship (nothing to do with relationships obviously), working together, helping each other, solving problems together, scream together, cried together, hugged each other, this experience is truly exceptional as I feel a sense of belonging, gratitude, trust...

But it's all gone now and we have to continue our usual routine and lives. Thank you for being such great friends, thank you for allowing me to work with all of you, thank you with all my heart, you guys are truly the best and deserve much much more.

Thanks to: Along (Leader of the facilitators of DPP YAB), Abang Nik (haven't seen him in 3 days now...), Kim, Wan, Hanif, Aishah, Yoges, Kumar, Selva, Naagin, Linda, Nani, Shah, Zaza, Lin, Teh, Wan Cheng, Mei Teng, Chong Wei, Han Young, Chia Ping, Lonny, Hafiz, Rozi, Zaman, Sham, Loga, Ida, Ayu, Ijan, and the others! You know who you are and I love you guys!

YAB BOLEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are so many things I keep inside that I almost forgot what it feels like to let it all out. Even when people are not listening.

I can't stop thinking about her, it's been going on for months, giving me sleepless nights and emotional outbursts...

Why not get it over with? Heh... Yeah why not? What's pulling me back? What's stopping me from taking the next step? Fear?

Fear is definitely involved in this matter, but what is it I really fear I do not know.

But yet I feel the need to be there for her when she really needs it. And every time when I'm unable to do it I feel helpless, useless, down....

I'm not sure if I'm the one she needs right now, so far I haven't had any clues or hints or perhaps I'm too blunt to see it, too oblivious... I'm not sure...

I could have ignored this, could have met someone else, could have had my share of fun but in the end... I'll end up going through this all over again... This is who I am really, a part of me that cannot change...

Helpless

Ever felt that you're powerless? Ever felt like helping someone, but the best way to help is to leave them alone?

I felt helpless and yes, useless. The only thing I can do right now is wait and hope.

I really have no idea what to write, but I felt like writing... Sometimes I really do want to write about what I'm thinking of at the moment, my imagination, my fears, my dreams, my hopes, what my future beholds... But this IS a blog and people are going to read it, so I have to be careful.

All along, I've always thought that I'm helping people, but the truth is, I'm trying to please people, so that they do not hate me, condemned me. As life goes on, you learn the hard way that you can't please anyone, and pleasing people all the time won't get you anywhere. What's the point in doing something silly like that and get betrayed in the end? You get fooled, you get played like a ragged doll, you get laughed at, and worst, no appreciation whatsoever. Appreciation? Heh, how naive...

I have to admit, I longed for another relationship, to hold her hand, gaze into her eyes, talk about stuff which makes no sense but makes you laugh, talk about what's in our hearts, listening to her and her listening to me only to end with a hug or her head on my shoulder, and possibly a kiss, over a sunset in the beach, or even in a cozy room. You know, to feel good with someone without any reason at all, is there really such a thing?

I believe that ACCEPTANCE plays a big part in lasting relationships and love. Why would I say that? Maybe all this time, I'm looking for acceptance in the end, I mean if you have to change yourself to make people like you, then that means they didn't like you for who you are in the first place! Sometimes I would think that "I can accept almost anybody for who they are, why can't they accept me?" but in the end I realize I was being a hypocrite. The truth is I can tolerate a lot of people instead of accepting them because no matter what there will always be contradictions in beliefs. So acceptance is not that easy.

Saw my niece for the very first time, a real active baby, kicking, smiling, and rolling around in her baby cot with enthusiasm. And then I saw the baby's father, my cousin, how happy he is, even when he and her wife are struggling to make ends meet in their business or even buying baby milk powder! I wonder how does it feel to be a father, how does it feel to see your child brought to this world. A smile is present in my face whenever I have such thoughts, but I would always be wary not to be naive, as bringing up a child takes a lot of your time and energy. The responsibility and dedication it takes in raising a child is overwhelming, so I better work harder and hopefully make the right choices to create a better environment for my children.

Say what you want, you may think it's silly and all that, but this is what I'm really thinking and how I feel about things.

Recently

It's been a while since I last posted anything, it's great to be at home but the bad thing about being at home is that I become very lazy. I wake up at around 12 noon almost every day, then cook for lunch, eat, watch some TV, go online, play games, guitar, lie down on bed, and I swear that I can see mushrooms sprouting out of my arms and legs!

Well of course it's not like this everyday, I did go to Redang for a real swell vacation but then I don't think there's much to talk about it, it's a beach anyway, I don't need to go through the details on what I did in a beach right? It is a paradise, but too commercial, which spoils it to certain extent. (Hmmm... I did fly for the very first time though...)

It's really funny though, when you're in Uni you think about home sometimes, but when you're home you kind of miss Uni. Ok maybe not the food in Uni, it's not that bad but it's a matter of variety you know? Imagine almost everyday I have to eat Pak Lang Nasi Ayam for lunch! Oh sh**!

Dyed my hair today, been wanting to ever since I finished form 6. Now that I've done it, I feel, well, a little strange everytime I look at a mirror but other than that it feels just the same. New look doesn't neccessary mean new me I guess, but it's good to have a few changes and experiencing new firsts. Wow talk about firsts this year, I did quite a number actually.

Dyed my hair for the first time.
First trip to Redang.
Clubbing.
Bought and learn to play guitar.
Board an airplane.
First snorkeling trip.
Composed first song.
Finished Baldur's Gate 2 for the very first time in 7 years!! ArrGH!
Soon probably, my first gig.

And well probably a lot more coming soon, life can be very exciting, because you'll never know what will happen in the future.

20th of May

The clock points to 12, striking away,
Signaling the coming of another day,
What's the occasion? Someone heard,
T'was the day thy was born in this Earth.

Rejoice! As thy grew older,
But alas none hath thy grown wiser,
Twenty-two! Thy must revel in this youth!
Life is short, thy knoweth tis truth.

The long road awaits me,
Traveling with friends such as thee,
Thus remember the 20th of May,
For it is thou dearest's birthday.

Update

It's about time I make a new post I guess, a lot has happened since the day I arrived home, yum cha and dinner with friends, a random date, car broke down (argh~!!), family trips, chores... Whoa busy busy...

Home

It's funny that whenever I come back home, I'll be sure to spot some changes, as if I've been away for years. Truth be told, I've been away for only a few months, 3 months is the most I've been away from home. This time though I've seen a few changes, my lil bro's hair is getting longer (haha~~), there's a new Viera TV back home (woo hoo!), a new handheld camcorder (cool!), a new route from Tmn Connaught to my home, and a lot more.

Some things never change though, like how hot it is here, never-ending channel switching on Astro, my mum's cooking, the chores, the routine, whoa lots of stuff...

Another 2 days and it'll be my last exam paper... Another 3 days and I'll be out of here... My mind is overfilled with excitement and joy as I await that day. I'm thinking about all the food I had missed, the upcoming Redang trip, my upcoming birthday, friends, family... Well everybody feels the same way about home I guess...

Yesterday late at night, I was craving for some peanuts, so I went down to the store to get some... The street lights were off, and it was awfully dark, quiet, and isolated. It wasn't the first time I felt like that street, and it wasn't the first time that I was left out in the dark, the past begins to creep up on me like a shadow unseen and sinister.

Isolation... I'm afraid of it, yet I embrace it, most of the time, I felt alone. I was hated, loathed, played, hurt, even though that was the past and I try to forget it and move on, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It definitely left a scar, and changed my perception of people, I don't seem to trust anyone anymore and I guess I've paid the price.

And then I couldn't stop thinking about why did it happen? I have no idea whatsoever why I was hated, why was I played... Am I a jerk? Am I annoying? Am I so disgusting? Am I naive? All this while I had been thinking that people can be jerks sometimes and hurt you for no reason at all, but nothing is done without reason, so what if the reason was me? How will I know it? And if I don't know it how will I change for the better?

Heh, this is getting silly, I don't even know why I'm writing this, frustration perhaps, or maybe something more. Anyway, time to put this aside, I got an exam coming up.

Random Post #2

I'm running out of ideas what to write about, even the post is untitled. Even if I write about today it wouldn't seem interesting, went to the campus center to pass up my SDG assignment and played basketball in the evening, that about sums it up I guess...

Finished my dinner and finally thought about something. It was yesterday, my roommates and I (excluding my senior roommate) were discussing about what to do with the room once our senior roommate left. But in the middle of our discussion my other 2 roommates were slowly starting to talk about the bad side of our senior roommate, saying that he was a slob, irresponsible, lazy, dirty, and a lot more, as if they are glad that he'll be gone soon.

I mean, come on, give the guy a break, he's not that bad of a guy, during exams he is a great example, look at him, studying hard and true, reminding us juniors to study hard and aim for better grades. He was a great friend too, I and him had great times before. Most of the time my other 2 roommates wouldn't be in the room, so my senior roommate would accompany me.

Anyways I wish all the best and good luck, I would be lying if I say I won't miss him.

Random Post #1

It's pretty funny though, that everyone around me are fretting over their exams, trying to figure out how to overcome them, trying to find a way to deal with the pressure, thinking as if it will be the end of the world if they don't do well...

Sure I worry about exams, but not enough. Not enough to the extent that I would complain or regret that I didn't do well. Perhaps I'm arrogant enough to think that exams are nothing to me, but that's just the half truth (or half lie), the point is that my mind is off to somewhere else.

Today was just one of those days, you don't feel like waking up, and if you do wake up the only thing that comes to mind would be what to eat for lunch. Walk down the cafe and you'll see a familiar sight, 4 stalls would be open most of the time, there's nasi lemak, noodles, the main mixed rice stall, and ahhh, the all time popular choice, Pak Lang nasi ayam... And then you'd be wondering whether to pack your food or eat in the room, or just eat at the cafe. Since there's nobody in the room for a moment, might as well just eat here to pass time.

Finished my lunch, wondering what to do next, buy a drink perhaps, and maybe some Pringles, then what next? Oh yeah, there's another movie in my laptop that I haven't watched yet, hmmmm, snacks, drinks, and a movie, another way to pass time...

And the movie ends, planning on what to do next, I find my ears itching for some melodies, so I opened up iTunes, and Soitaire... I have no idea how much time has passed, playing some card game and listening to sappy songs without a worry in the world (well not really)... Looked at the watch and the short one points to 5... I look outside and see a truck and nobody... Felt tired, took a nap, and then waking up to sounds of a ball bouncing behind my room, another way to pass the time....

And finally I'm here, in the cafe again, with my trusty old laptop typing away random stuff that don't make sense....

The only sense I could make out of this post is that whatever I did or planned to do couldn't make me stray away from the fact that I've been thinking about someone... And the very same fact that I couldn't stop... For what reason, I don't know... I also know that someone will read this blog and then tell me stuff that I wouldn't like... Huh, who gives a damn...

Sent another message...

These Few Days

It's been a while since I've last wrote any new posts, 3 exam papers in 3 days in a row, obviously my time is all tied up...

I'm kind of glad that I have exams to be worried about in those 3 days, the focus and concentration I had for those 3 days is quite exceptional in my part, but the most of all, these exams made me stop thinking about the nonsense that has been going on this semester.

Now that I have a gap of another 5 days before my next 2 semesters, it's back to the nonsense...

Even the trip to Kuala Perlis yesterday with my coursemates didn't stop me from thinking about it. I thought the breeze of the sea could calm me down, but the more I wanted to stop thinking about it, the more frequently it came back to haunt my mind. Who am I kidding here... I can't get it off my mind.

Valuable

Ever wondered what is the most valuable thing in the world? Some would say gold, some would say water, heck some would even say family or loved ones... But what do I say? I say memories... Good or bad, sweet or bitter, it doesn't matter...

It's proof that we are alive, that we once done great things and done very very stupid things... These memories will stay with us till the day we die, after all, when we become old, we only have our memories. People tend to look back instead of looking in front towards the future. Why is that?

All I know is, people can't help it, and we remember these things for a reason. How is it that we can't remember something we did a few days or few weeks back, wheareas we can remember something that has happened in our childhood or years back? Whether if it's good or bad, we remember them because it has become a part of our lives, and it has made us who we are today.

What we have done in the past has slowly shaped us, molded our personalities, gave us the beliefs we have today. So in general you may say that memories tells us who we really are, something like a reference to our true identities...

We end up regretting about the silly things we did in the past, I tend to do that sometimes, but I've found a way to look at the brighter side of things... Instead of sulking, I should be grateful about the things I had that not many people have...

I have to admit though, remembering who I was, what I did, who am I with, how I achieved, how I failed, how I'm love, and how I'm loathed... These things keeps me going on the right track, part of my memories tells me that I should change my ways to make things better, some of it would indicate that I maintain part of my personality because it had a positive effect. It's like assessing what you did before, and you try to adjust and change accordingly or maintain the good work.

But the funny thing is, I don't think I've ever changed and might never will... Because my memories were there to confirm it, and my history has told me that I'm great just the way I am! But that doesn't mean I don't have my flaws too! Hahaha... Man, thinking back... You seriously can't help but laugh....

I can't even imagine what would happen if I lost my memories, who will I become then? I might become another person, a whole new personality, someone I don't want to be... Ask yourself this, how would you feel if your memories, the only proof for you that you existed in this world, vanished? Heck, I don't even want to think about that... That's why memories are most valuable to me...

More than Tradition

Please note that this is not an emo post!

The Qing Ming festival... Obviously it is a Chinese festival which is held every year. To the Chinese this festival is synonymous with the celebration of life, respecting the elders, link to the spiritual world, and the importance of family values. But to me it's more than that, I see this festival as a day where everyone can share memories of their loved ones.

Every year my family and I would go to the graveyard where my grandpa was buried and then to the Pagoda where my grandma was cremated. The trips aren't always that pleasant I assure you, especially for those who know what I mean! The graveyards will always be packed with cars, and if it's a rainy day it's even worse... Muddy puddles, slow traffic, and the long waits to pray to the Gods and Ancestors before visiting my grandpa. The Pagoda is even worse! Other than the slow traffic and the number of people that could fill up an ocean, the smoke from burning joss sticks and flying ashes are much more unpleasant as they hurt your eyes and blur your vision.

As a child I did complain a lot during these trips, but as I got older I see the meaning behind the festival. My family is very small, and alas, I've never met my paternal grandparents before, and to think that I can only "meet" them once a year gives me more reason to appreciate this festival. Every year when the family gathers around grandpa, my dad and ah bo (aunt), will tell us stories about him, about how kind he was, how jolly he was, how great a cook he was, even how much a mahjong player and drinker he was! My dad would even say this, if my grandfather were still alive today he would definitely spoil his grandchildren...

Spoil his grandchildren huh... I'll never be able to experience anything like that... But every year when we visit him, I can feel so much warmth just by looking at his picture... He must have been a great guy...

But the stories about my paternal grandma are even better! As a kid up until now I've always asked my parents how my grandma was, the stories they told me are always full of inspiration... How she nurtured and educated her kids all by herself (grandpa passed away when my dad was only around 9), her sensibility, dignity, all in all a real terrific woman, as my dad would say... He even told me how she spoilt my elder cousins, which makes me a little envious, but at least she's still able to see my elder bro and me coming into this world and even gave us our chinese names before she passed away (I am proud of my Chinese name grandma!). Too bad she didn't get to see my lil bro getting born, but since she's up there I think she has witnessed it herself... Heh...

It's been 2 years since I've not been visiting both of them because I have to be in UUM. That means my grandparents won't be able to see me as a Uni Student! I've always imagined how proud and happy they would be seeing another scholar in the family...

I may never have the chance to be cared, loved, or spoiled by my grandparents but they will always remain in my heart... And will always be my inspiration and motivation... I am sure they would want the best for me, and more importantly, they would want me to be a fine, decent man... I will not let them down... Rest in Peace... Love you grandpa, grandma....

What was that song again?

As I was listening to some music and trying to finish my assignments I was suddenly thinking about a certain, familiar tune in my head...

A very soothing song, a jazz song, and a name that has something to do with a place that starts with the letter "I"...

Hmmm... Is it Ibiza? No way... That's a Vengaboys dance song...

Hmmm... Argentina? Wait a minute it starts with "I" not "A"...

I know this tune and I know this song! I just can't remember it! Arrgh.... So after finishing an assignment and a bath I rushed down to the cafe with my trustworthy laptop, scurrying through the internet looking for clues and hints about the song... As I search through the many jazz songs starting from the 1900s I almost gave up until I've seen a title on my computer screen which looks so damn familiar... "The Girl from Ipanema"....

Hmmm.... "Ipanema".... It's a place somewhere in Rio de Janeiro.... Whoa! This has gotta be it!!
Time to download! Thank god for the internet!!! Muahahahahahaha...!

What's the Big Deal!?

Hey UUM!!! What's up with blocking students in UUM for entering facebook!? You got a problem with us using facebook? Give me one good reason why I should suffer the consequences of not being able to check the wheareabouts and communicate with my old friends!

This is getting on my nerves! What's the big deal man!?

Who am I kidding?

I know what I've written from my last post was a bit too.... Ummm... Is awkward a good word? The truth is I do things based on feelings rather than thoughts. It's an old habit of mine I guess, when I get too emotional I'll do all sorts of negative things... Forgetting the best things I have in life...

I was emo for a while yesterday but then when I got back to my room from a "lonely" walk I suddenly changed... I said to myself "arrr screw it... I'm gonna go play basketball!" and I was in pretty good form after a 2 week absence from the sport... Scoring shot after shot... Felt great!

Aww crap.... Assignments... Oh well it's managable so I'll just chill first before starting work on them again....

Condemned

AIESEC AGM... As I watched the video about the sweet memories, achievements, and the messages of how much the previous Executive Board appreciate each other... I know that I've got to get out of there...

As a sleeping member of every club I go to, I kind of regretted about my decision to lay low, what have I been doing all this time? I know I have the abilities, the knowledge, the drive to exceed and excel in all this club activities and one day I might be at the top... But instead I chose to be secluded... To hide away... Why?

Yes I've been there, done that, but so far I have always felt that I've been played like a fool... Doing things by myself, taking up responsibility all by myself, getting one of the top posts just because I'm in good terms with the higher ups... But I've lost out what I've always been looking for... Appreciation... Do others look up to me? Or do they talk behind my back? Do they despise me?

As I walk back to my hostel, I felt cold, even while the sun is scorching... I felt alone... So alone... Why am I like this? I wanted to be pitied but I refused any help, I wanted to be cared for but I shove people aside, I wanted to achieve more and yet I back down in the wrong time... Am I condemned to be like this for the rest of my life?

I was arrogant, I thought nobody could possibly be better than me... Yes, that's how I felt, I despised people, criticize them, telling myself that I would be wasting my breath beating those fools to get to the top... People don't know that, but deep down... I'm an egoistic bastard... In the end I payed the price... I end up doing work on my own because I don't trust people to do my work and thought they could never have done a better job than me... I end up frustrated, weary, alone....

Heh, now I know why I don't deserve pity or care...

Like a thunderbolt!

There are times when I wanna burst, times when I wanna shout out to the sky, times when I wanna be alone, times when I wanna be hated and not bothered...

It's been like this since the beggining of the year, very emo indeed, without any reason whatsoever, or maybe I'm just hiding the real reason to avoid any nasty comments.

Nowadays though, I'm smiling, smiling in my heart which I thought was long dead and cold... I feel like I'm back to my old self again! The nerd, that cheerful, down-to-earth fellow... It was like back in those days when I was so innocent, so young, and so naive... For the first time in years, I'm able to smile while sleeping...

It happens so fast, like a flash of light, a thunderbolt struck me and gave me new found confidence, man I think I can take over the world now haha! It feels great indeed!

Personality

Hmm... Stumbled upon a friend's blog about a personality quiz... Said it was pretty accurate so I tried it myself. This is the result:

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with? (*Ok, I'm not that sure about this here...*)

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Whether if it's accurate or not I don't know, but there are some points which are true. So am I such a person? You be the judge.

Redemption

A friend keeps on telling me that our semester is about to finish soon... And I told her "you realize that now?"

Heh... To be perfectly honest, I can't believe it either. It never fails to surprise me, even till this day. When I think back about the good old days, it feels as though it happened yesterday. Almost every detail, every moment, and every face is fresh on my mind.

Nowadays I feel as though I'm back to my old self, that insecure, defensive, sensitive, emotional kid back then. I guess I really didn't change much, except maybe physically (I've gained weight and lost some lol) or maybe learning a few new skills.

And somehow the past has a way of creeping up to all of us. History repeating itself. It's happening to me in a way I can't describe. Maybe I'm thinking too much but life's full of cycles, what goes around, comes around, it's how we perceive it that matters.

In my case though, it's like I'm repeating an exam I failed last time, a chance to redeem myself. Like my piano lessons when I was a kid, I gave up just because I didn't like the teacher, I regretted for not continuing my lessons since I love music so much. Now I'm redeeming myself, in a way with my guitar. Progress is so far so good and I love playing it!

Now it's about time I once again redeem myself with another case...

Beyond the Horizon

Came back from UUM for a break and some quality time with the family. Man, home never tasted so sweet before... And to top it off we went for another holiday to the east coast for a night. I have always loved the east coast, now with the new highway and all it's even better because it only takes 2 hours to get there from KL. Sweet!

One of the reasons why I love the east coast is because of one of its delicacies, kerepok lekor. And trust me it's the real thing here. Fresh fish mixed with sago pounded into finger food goodness, it really made my day.

Secondly is of course the sunny atmosphere and the beaches, but unfortunately the beach in the hotel we were staying wasn't that clean. A real shame.

It's a great opportunity for me to lighten up, think positive, forget about the bad things that have been happening recently or in the past. But the matter of fact is this, the trip didn't help. I couldn't sleep that night, woke up after having endless nightmares, my nose was runny and my elder brother was snoring so loud as if he was snoring with amps.

So I lay on the bed, going back to my bad habit of thinking too much or thinking about a certain someone, asking myself why is this and that happening, why can't I get certain things off my mind, what should I do? I tossed and turned, trying to find the best position to sleep, didn't help. And this went on for around 4-5 hours, my phone alarm went off... 6 am...

Since it's the east coast, the sun rise should be one hell of a spectacle, so I decided to get out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my face, grab the camera and go to the beach. 6.15 am... Bloody hell, the resort was pitch black with only a few lights... Luckily my field of vision wasn't as bad as I thought as I made my way to the beach effortlessly.

As I looked into the horizon, felt the breeze, I tried to relax my mind, tried to stop thinking about nonsense, tried not to think about "someone"...

Then I wrote a name on the sand, waiting for the waves to wash away the word, hoping that I could forget about that "someone" like what the waves did to the sand.

My gosh, as I looked into the horizon, wondering what's beyond it, I could never imagine how beautiful the sun really is as it emerged from its slumber.
My mom said I looked very lonely in this pic, I guess I am...

Looking Foward

I have to admit... I've been in a emotional slump for a few weeks although I'm not supposed to but we can't really help it now can we?

Nowadays things are looking better, I'm going home this Thursday and I hope that when I go back to UUM after this break, I'll be able to see things in a different light.

Wondering

Man this month has not been a very good one I must say... Feeling all emotional... Getting cranky... Doing stupid things... But I can still focus on my studies quite well (which is what I didn't expect)...

I've been wondering lately, and yes, this is not a good habit...

Wondering how to finish my assignments...

Wondering how to play the B chord properly...

Wondering how to strum and sing at the same time...

Wondering how other people think of me...

Wondering how my friends and family are doing...

Wondering what really happened in a friend's relationship...

Wondering what I really want...

Wondering whether there's someone out there for me...

Wondering how to write this post....

Help

I have to admit... I'm not that particularly comfortable in talking about my problems with friends or even family... It might have something to do with trust, I don't trust people to handle my problems including my family sometimes because I'm never satisfied with their answers, their way of solving it...

It could be insecurity, the fear to be vulnerable because when you're vulnerable other people can take advantage of you, which has happened to me quite often.

Or was it because my problems don't really matter much? They are much bigger issues going on in the outside world. There are people starving, getting shot, not knowing whether they will live the next day... etc...

But people are and will never be satisfied... The laws of economics has been applied here... Consumers have unlimited wants but the world have limited resources...
Even when people have everything they could ever need, they still tend to find the smallest things to complain and to be depressed about... Including myself... We can't help it now can we?

That's why I believe in helping people... Helping people doesn't mean you have to save someone but rather showing your upmost sincerity to try and make the people who mattered to you go through a day smiling... It makes you ignore your problems, giving you a purpose... The satisfaction and happiness you get when you are able to help someone is in fact unparalleled...

Who We Are

After reading a blog post made by a friend of mine, I've decided to try this out myself...

What you do is...
1) Answer these 30 questions with Itunes and then put your music on shuffle mode.
2) The next song will be your answer to each question.
3) I swear to god this is totally random but the results kinda freaked me out.

#1 IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Remember The Name by Fort Minor

#2 WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Ironic by Alanis Morisette

#3 HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness

#4 WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Thriller by Fall Out Boy

#5 WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Superman by Five For Fighting

#6 WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Sex And Drugs And Rock 'N' Roll by Ian Dury & The Blockheads

#7 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Born For This by Paramore

#8 WHAT IS 2+2?
The Zephyr Song by Red Hot Chilli Peppers

#9 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
A Little Respect by Wheatus

#10 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Blind by Lifehouse

#11 WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Love Hurts by Incubus *Sigh~~~ Story of my life i guess*

#12 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Time Of Your Life by Green Day

#13 WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
No Matter What by Badfinger

#14 WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
The Future Freaks Me Out by Motion City Soundtrack

#16 WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Take A Bow by Muse

#17 WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Remedy by The Black Crowes

#18 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Where'd You Go by Fort Minor

#19 WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Move On by Jet *I guess what it means here is that whenever anything bad happens I should Move On.*

#20 WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana

#21 WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
The Joke by Lifehouse *Darn... is this for real?*

#22 WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Bring Me To Life by Evanescence

#23 HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Yesterday by The Beatles *I guess I'll die regretting?*

#24 WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
As Long As You Love Me by Backstreet Boys *LOL~~!!*

#25 WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Step Into A World by KRS One

#26 DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
I Feel Good by James Brown *and yes I do feel good :)*

#27 WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Nine Thou by Styles Of Beyond

#28 IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Everyday I Love You Less And Less by Kaiser Chiefs *Yeah... Totally*

#29 WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, WHEN YOU MEET YOUR BOSS?
Dari Telinga Sampai Ke Tulang by Spider

#30 WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Who We Are by Lifehouse

Innocent Love

The title above is actually a 10 episode japanese drama series that I've just finished watching 2 days ago. It's really good because it shows what true love really is without any over the top dramatics (well except maybe for the last epsiode).

The drama shows love in a few different aspects seen through the eyes of very memorable characters especially the 2 main characters. The pace of the story and how it appeals to the audience is just nice and not too exaggerated. But the one thing that made me watch this drama in the first place is Utada Hikaru. Her song "Eternally" really made this drama a must watch for anyone who appreciates a good love story.

I ain't going to lie though, I was quite emotionally attached to the characters and the story. Up to a point where I almost had tears in my eyes. And to think that I've finished watching it on Valentine's... Darn...

Happy times and then... INJUSTICE!

Last weekend was tiring but eventful... The 1 day camp trip at SRJK(C) Mah Wah in Padang Lembu, Gurun was pretty fun! Man... Looking at those kids full of energy and running around like there's no tomorrow made me think back about the good old days... I ain't going to lie though... Taking care of one kid is already a lot of work, taking care of 80 kids well... You do the math haha...

Just looking at those happy faces puts a smile on mine as well, there was a time that I wanted to let go and be a kid too but I have responsibilities. And I can't believe that I forgot to bring my camera again! Darn!

Today though was a moment of injustice, the exhibition competition for UUM's Spring Festival is being held at the Library Foyeur. Just by looking at the different exhibitions made by each DPP (Dewan Penginapan Pelajar/Student Residential Hall), you can clearly see that either SME Bank's exhibition or our DPP's (Yayasan Albukhary) masterpiece deserve one of the top three spots. But no..... We didn't get one single spot in the top three... That's very sad though because our team worked so hard and I even helped them build the bamboo structure... All that for nothing... Was the result biased? Or are they tired of seeing our great DPP win yet another competition? I'll let you decide though, but I've forgotten to bring my camera yet again... Luckily the exhibition will still be there tomorrow... So I'll upload some pics later!

What I'm Feeling Right Now

After 3 years of an unpleasant relationship, this is the first time that I'll be celebrating events like this year's Chinese New Year as a single guy...

I'm not saying that I'm alone, I have a great family and friends to hang out with but I still feel somehow... empty...

This is a void that my family and friends could not fill in. I'm back to being the miserable guy I was more than 3 years ago... Yearning for companionship, true love and all that... My heart aches and I can't tell why... I get mood swings... I felt pathetic...

Some of my friends are even starting their own relationships and it makes me feel even more moody...

I needed to do something and luckily a friend called, and he's asking me out... It's the usual meet up with my primary school friends and maybe this could clear my head... Or so I thought...

My old friends were asking about my recent break up, and as I explained I was thinking about what a joke my previous relationship was... I was pouring out my love and affection as much as I could but I was treated like grass... Heh... The story of my life... Always taken advantage of...

Darn, another 2 weeks and I'll be going through Valentine's Day as a single guy for the first time in 3 years... Better think of something to do... Or else I'm going to get emotional again...

Out of Juice...

This year's Chinese New Year is one event I would probably not remember... Ever since I came back from University I couldn't even sleep well... Although it's great to be back with the family again but I find myself losing that cheery, happy festive season mood... It seems that I don't have the energy like I had when I was younger... The sleeping disorders I'm having right now might be the culprit... I find myself yawning where ever I am and there are times when I don't feel like waking up....

Am I having an emotional break down or am I just out of juice?

I'm not home yet...

Darn...

My roommates are all gone and I'm left here wondering what to do....

I took out my assignments and tried to finish them but the holiday season mood kicked in and I just let everything drop....

So instead I turned on some music and played it loud with my roommate's speakers... And as I listened I let myself go since nobody's watching me ha ha....

Then I was lying down on my bed and thinking about all the bad stuff happening around me recently... I became pretty emotional since I got no one to talk to... Even my guitar is not here to accompany me... Almost went crazy...

My biggest fear of all is actually isolation... If there's nobody around you'll actually see me talking to myself...

Oh well at least I'm better off than most people so I guess I shouldn't complain...

Happy Chinese New Year everyone...

Walking Alone

Man.... Christmas Night in UUM... It feels just like back then when I was a lad... These events... With all these dances and sentimental songs... Makes me yearn for something... I kept on looking around... Looking and waiting, hoping for a chance... Hoping that person sees me... acknowledge my existence... I could have done something... But I was held back... By some unknown force of nature... Heh... How pathetic...

And without a doubt I walked back to my room alone... Singing all the songs I could ever think of...

You're Beautiful - James Blunt
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes - The Platters
This I Promise You - N'Sync
You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson
An Jing - Jay Chou
Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis

Darn....

What am I thinking right now?

Yes indeed... What AM I thinking right now? I have the tendency to think of lot of unnecessary things when I have nothing to do... I guess you could call that a hobby of mine... Hmm.. well maybe not a hobby but a bad habit...

I kept thinking about my future, the uncertainty it brings and what to do next...

But I'm just your average student who's suppose to study, play, make friends, etc....

I don't have problems but I make myself think I have problems... This is bad...

I gotta brighten up a bit...

It's been a while

Like what the title said, it's been a while since I've made another post. A lot of things happened for the past week. I attended my cousin's wedding and witnessed the Chinese wedding ceremony for the first time! And I even had a great time in the wedding dinner. I've met cousins who I didn't even know that they existed and the best part is that they are all middle aged people! I wish I had more time so I can get to know them better though...

The next thing I want write about is the massacre of Gaza. I was reading the papers while waiting for the bus back to Alor Setar last Sunday and I was shocked to find how terrible the situation in Gaza is. It was reported that out of 75 people killed, 5 of them were confirmed militants. It doesn't take a genius to know who the other 70 people are right? I was disgusted and also saddened by these turn of events, no matter how advanced we are in science and technology, we can never improve in humanitarian events. I believe war and peace is an endless cycle especially when humans are still around, but wars were fought between soldiers! This isn't a war, this is a slaughter, let's hope and pray that this will end one day and sadly this is what I can only do.

Today I've donated blood for the very first time. Everything went smoothly and I have this funny feeling on my right arm. It turns out that my blood type is an O positive which means almost anyone can use my blood haha...